


RE: Thesis defense issue

by kalirush



Category: FAQ: The "Snake Fight" Portion Of Your Thesis Defense (McSweeney's Post) - Luke Burns
Genre: Academia, Epistolary, Fecklessness, Gen, Snakes, Why Did It Have To Be Snakes, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:21:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28299630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalirush/pseuds/kalirush
Summary: It is the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and a student needs a snake for her defense.
Comments: 231
Kudos: 992
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	RE: Thesis defense issue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [owl_coffee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/owl_coffee/gifts).



**From:** Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 9:25 AM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** Thesis defense issue

Hi, Linda-

I just realized that I never got an email about the snake for my defense (coming up next week). Do you know anything about how the snake gets assigned?

Thanks-

Robin

* * *

Linda Petroski dusted her hands on her apron. “Fuck,” she said. “You are so lucky I checked my email, today, kiddo.”

* * *

**From:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 9:28 AM  
 **To:** Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hi, Robin- 

I just went and checked your forms, and it looks like you checked “provided” for the snake- that means that your committee is going to provide the snake, not facilities. Was that the plan? Our department doesn’t usually use committee-provided snakes.

Linda

\--------  
Dr. Linda Petroski  
Graduate Program Coordinator,  
Department of Psychoceramics,  
Barnett College

**From:** Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 9:35 AM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

I’m not sure. Let me email my committee.

Robin

* * *

“Like hell you’re using a committee-provided snake,” Linda sighed. “Are we the department of Herpetology? No.”

“Mom?” Ari called, sticking his head through the door. “Are we still working on pie crust?”

“Give me a minute,” she said. “I probably have a crisis on my hands.”

“Graduate students?”

“Graduate students.”

* * *

**From:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 9:40 AM  
 **To:** Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Cc:** Lemieux, Annie <lemieux9@barnett.edu>, Zhang, Wei <zhang3676@barnett.edu>, Ortega, Richard <ortega151@barnett.edu>, Edelstein, Doron <edelstein8@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hello, all-

We just realized that Robin indicated that she was using a committee-provided snake for her defense, rather than one from SMO. Could you confirm that’s the plan, and who will be providing the snake if so? We’ll also need species and measurements for the files.

Thanks-

Linda

\--------  
Dr. Linda Petroski  
Graduate Program Coordinator,  
Department of Psychoceramics,  
Barnett College

**From:** Zhang, Wei <zhang3676@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 9:52 AM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>, Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Cc:** Lemieux, Annie <lemieux9@barnett.edu>, Ortega, Richard <ortega151@barnett.edu>, Edelstein, Doron <edelstein8@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hi-

I wasn’t providing a snake. Doesn’t the university usually provide those?

Wei

\--------  
Dr. Wei Zhang  
Asst. Professor  
Department of Psychoceramics  
Barnett College

* * *

“Yes, they do, don’t they?” Linda grumbled, and set her phone down. She picked up her rolling pin and let it drop onto the cold pastry with a satisfying _thunk_. 

Nothing to do about it but wait for the committee to respond, and work on pecan pie.

* * *

**From:** Edelstein, Doron <edelstein8@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 10:21 AM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Robin thesis defense

I’m sorry, I hope I wasn’t supposed to check on this- I didn’t realize what “provided” meant. My understanding was that it was supposed to be an SMO snake. Are we going to have trouble with the graduate school about that at this point?

D

\--------  
Dr. Doron Edelstein  
Associate Professor and Director of Graduate Studies  
Department of Psychoceramics  
Barnett College

**From:** Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 10:25 AM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Was I supposed to provide the snake? I’ve been looking at some snake websites.

Robin

**From:** Zhang, Wei <zhang3676@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 10:38 AM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>, Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Cc:** Lemieux, Annie <lemieux9@barnett.edu>, Ortega, Richard <ortega151@barnett.edu>, Edelstein, Doron <edelstein8@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hi-

Has anyone heard from Annie? Don’t forget that Richard’s in Japan, so I’m sure he didn’t order a snake. And it’s late where he is so we might not hear back from him until tomorrow.

Wei

\--------  
Dr. Wei Zhang  
Asst. Professor  
Department of Psychoceramics  
Barnett College

* * *

“Oh, god,” Linda said. She put the pie crust in the freezer, shut the door, and grabbed her phone. No time to waste. “Ari,” she said. “Please promise me that when you’re a college student, you will pay attention to your paperwork so that you don’t end up having to track people down from across an ocean right before a holiday.”

“Sure, Mom,” he said. He was probably rolling his eyes at her.

* * *

**From:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 10:45 AM  
 **To:** Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hi, Robin- 

No, I don’t recommend you look at internet snakes- any “provided” snake has to be committee-approved, and the graduate school won’t accept student-provided snakes as official in any case.

Linda

\--------  
Dr. Linda Petroski  
Graduate Program Coordinator,  
Department of Psychoceramics,  
Barnett College

**From:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 10:47 AM  
 **To:** Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Cc:** Lemieux, Annie <lemieux9@barnett.edu>, Zhang, Wei <zhang3676@barnett.edu>, Ortega, Richard <ortega151@barnett.edu>, Edelstein, Doron <edelstein8@barnett.edu>, Carberry, Jennifer <carberry44@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hello, all-

Thanks for the reminder about Richard, Wei. I haven’t heard from Annie. Does anyone have her cell? Given the date, she might not be checking email right now. Under the assumption that “provided” was a mistake, though, I’m going to contact Jordan Fiorucci at the graduate school and see what we can do. They have pretty firm rules about requesting snakes a minimum of two weeks early so that they can have the snake prepared, though, so we might be in trouble. I’ll keep everyone posted as soon as I know more.

Jennifer, I’m cc’ing you on this so that you can be prepared to approve in Richard’s place if needed (chair of department can override a missing approval).

Thanks-

Linda

\--------  
Dr. Linda Petroski  
Graduate Program Coordinator,  
Department of Psychoceramics,  
Barnett College

**From:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 10:51 AM  
 **To:** Fiorucci, Jordan O. <fiorucci87@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** Thesis defense issue

Hi, Jordan-

I’ve got a student (Robin Kahler, kahler22) who’s supposed to be defending next week, needs a snake, and put “provided” on the application form by accident. Is there anything we can do? I know it’s late, but I’d hate to hold the student up.

Sorry about this. We have a new director of grad studies, and I guess he didn’t realize that he should double-check the snake request on these forms (and the advisor didn’t check either...). On top of that, one of the committee is overseas right now and not responding, but I’ve looped my department chair in.

Linda

\--------  
Dr. Linda Petroski  
Graduate Program Coordinator,  
Department of Psychoceramics,  
Barnett College

**From:** Fiorucci, Jordan O. <fiorucci87@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 11:07 AM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hello-

Can you have the student cancel the application and resubmit? They’ll need the DGS and their committee (plus the chair) to approve today, plus the snake affidavit from the advisor- we won’t be able to get the forms generated in time if we wait until after the holiday. The other issue is facilities. If they don’t have a snake available, they don’t have a snake. You can check with Mike Wurtz about that; he runs SMO.

\---------------------  
Jordan Fiorucci  
Director of Graduation Services  
The Graduate School  
Barnett College  
  


**From:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 11:15 AM  
 **To:** Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Cc:** Lemieux, Annie <lemieux9@barnett.edu>, Zhang, Wei <zhang3676@barnett.edu>, Ortega, Richard <ortega151@barnett.edu>, Edelstein, Doron <edelstein8@barnett.edu>, Carberry, Jennifer <carberry44@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hi, everyone-

Okay, I just spoke to Jordan. Robin, you’re going to need to cancel your application and submit a new application with the correct snake request information. The application has to be approved today for your defense to go on, so you need to get that in ASAP (Jennifer, we still haven’t heard from Richard, so you’ll need to sign in his place) and then Annie is going to need to submit a snake affidavit as your advisor. Let me know if anyone is able to get in touch with her.

Doron, you’ll need to approve the new application as soon as Jennifer, Wei and Annie approve it.

Thanks-

Linda

\--------  
Dr. Linda Petroski  
Graduate Program Coordinator,  
Department of Psychoceramics,  
Barnett College

* * *

Linda started flipping through her phone contacts- no Lemieux. 

“Hey babe,” Natalie said, dropping a kiss on her head. “What’s up? I thought you were off today?”

“Student fucked up their paperwork,” Linda growled. “They’re not going to be able to defend if we don’t get it sorted out, and of course we can’t get ahold of anyone.” She powered on her desktop- she might have Annie’s cell number in an old phone list if she could remote into her work computer.

“Just don’t take too long,” Natalie said. “We were hoping to go to the park this afternoon, remember?”

* * *

**From:** Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 11:33 AM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Cc:** Lemieux, Annie <lemieux9@barnett.edu>, Zhang, Wei <zhang3676@barnett.edu>, Ortega, Richard <ortega151@barnett.edu>, Edelstein, Doron <edelstein8@barnett.edu>, Carberry, Jennifer <carberry44@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hello, everyone-

I submitted the new application, but just in case, I also ordered a snake online (I’m having it rush delivered to Annie to get around the problem with “student-provided” snakes). 

Linda, can I submit for reimbursement for the snake?

Robin

**From:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 11:36 AM  
 **To:** Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hi, Robin- 

Purchases have to be approved ahead of time, but I’ll see if it can be processed as an exception. 

Linda

\--------  
Dr. Linda Petroski  
Graduate Program Coordinator,  
Department of Psychoceramics,  
Barnett College

* * *

“IT STILL COUNTS AS A STUDENT-PROVIDED SNAKE EVEN IF YOU PUT YOUR ADVISOR’S NAME ON IT, OH MY GOD.”

“...babe?” Natalie asked.

“The student ordered her own snake, even after I told her not to, and now she wants _reimbursement._ I’m gonna do it, because she’s a student and she has no money, but _OH MY GOD_.”

* * *

**From:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 11:41 AM  
 **To:** Wurtz, Michael T. <wurtz366@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** Last-minute snake request

Hi, Mike-

I’m so sorry to ask this (especially right before a holiday!), but I have a student who needs a snake for a defense next week. She messed up her paperwork- we’re trying to get everything resubmitted today- but of course we need to know if you have any snakes available.

Linda

\--------  
Dr. Linda Petroski  
Graduate Program Coordinator,  
Department of Psychoceramics,  
Barnett College

**From:** Carberry, Jennifer <carberry44@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 11:53 AM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>, Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Cc:** Lemieux, Annie <lemieux9@barnett.edu>, Zhang, Wei <zhang3676@barnett.edu>, Ortega, Richard <ortega151@barnett.edu>, Edelstein, Doron <edelstein8@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Thanks for being on top of this, Linda.

How do I approve for Richard? I’m not seeing an approve button in the online system. Can you send me a link?

Jennifer

\--------  
Dr. Jennifer Carberry  
Professor and Chair,  
Department of Psychoceramics  
Barnett College

**From:** Wurtz, Michael T. <wurtz366@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 12:12 PM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** Last-minute snake request

Linda,

You should be aware that the last-minute snakes available for students who misfile paperwork are very, very large indeed. But we do have some that I can assign once the work order and affidavit come through.

Mike

\-----------------------  
Michael Wurtz  
Zone Leader, Snake Management and Operations  
Facilities, Operations and Development  
Barnett College

* * *

“Hah!” Linda shouted, triumphantly. There, at the end of an old phone list: Annie Lemeux’s personal cell number. Or, at least, her cell number from five years ago- but faculty _hate_ change, so it was probably still valid.

_Hi- this is Linda, from the department. Sorry to bother you on a holiday, but can you check your work email? There’s an issue with the snake for Robin’s defense._

Linda stirred the pecan mixture and set the oven on to preheat.

* * *

**From:** Lemieux, Annie <lemieux9@barnett.edu>   
**Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 12:38 PM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>, Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Cc:** Zhang, Wei <zhang3676@barnett.edu>, Ortega, Richard <ortega151@barnett.edu>, Edelstein, Doron <edelstein8@barnett.edu>, Carberry, Jennifer <carberry44@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hello, all-

Sorry for not responding sooner! Pete and I are driving right now, but I just got Linda’s text (we’re using the wifi at a McDonald’s- there’s no signal in between towns here).

I definitely wasn’t planning on providing the snake, so thanks for getting the correction started, Linda. I think I’ve approved everything and submitted the affidavit, but I’ll check back in the next hour when we stop again.

I hope the leftover snakes aren’t *too* big!

Annie

\--------  
Dr. Annie Lemieux  
Associate Professor  
Department of Psychoceramics  
Barnett College

**From:** Wurtz, Michael T. <wurtz366@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 1:17 PM  
 **To:** Lemieux, Annie <lemieux9@barnett.edu>   
**Cc:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>, Fiorucci, Jordan O. <fiorucci87@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** Kahler snake assignment

Hello-

I just got the affidavit for Kahler for next week. I’m attaching two possible snakes- please let me know ASAP which one better represents your student’s thesis work:

Mr. Huggy ( _Eunectes murinus_ )

Noodles ( _Crotalus atrox_ )

Thanks!

Mike

\-----------------------  
Michael Wurtz  
Zone Leader, Snake Management and Operations  
Facilities, Operations and Development  
Barnett College

* * *

Linda punched the air. “Victorryyyyyy!” she shouted. Ari looked at her like she was a weirdo, which was probably fair. She put her phone in her pocket and checked the pie. It needed no more than another ten minutes. “Put your shoes on, kiddo- pie’s almost done and we’re headed to the park!”

* * *

**From:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 1:26 PM  
 **To:** Fiorucci, Jordan O. <fiorucci87@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hi, Jordan-

Mike confirms that he has snakes free for next week, and the paperwork is now all in and approved. Please let me know if there’s anything you need on our end for the defense to go forward.

Thanks-

Linda

\--------  
Dr. Linda Petroski  
Graduate Program Coordinator,  
Department of Psychoceramics,  
Barnett College

**From:** Fiorucci, Jordan O. <fiorucci87@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 1:35 PM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hi, Linda,

Thank you! It all looks good here, and we’ll have the approval forms generated in time. Tell your advisor to steer clear of Noodles if there’s an option, though. :)

Have a good Thanksgiving-

Jordan

\---------------------  
Jordan Fiorucci  
Director of Graduation Services  
The Graduate School  
Barnett College

**From:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 1:42 PM  
 **To:** Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Cc:** Lemieux, Annie <lemieux9@barnett.edu>, Zhang, Wei <zhang3676@barnett.edu>, Ortega, Richard <ortega151@barnett.edu>, Edelstein, Doron <edelstein8@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hello, all-

I just got word from Jordan at the Graduate School that everything’s squared away for Robin’s defense next week! Annie, he does advise that you _not_ choose Noodles, and I agree- I’ve seen Mr. Huggy in action before and I think he’s a far more manageable snake. 

Thank you all for your hard work in getting this sorted out at the last minute, and have a great Thanksgiving!

Linda

\--------  
Dr. Linda Petroski  
Graduate Program Coordinator,  
Department of Psychoceramics,  
Barnett College

* * *

Linda sneaked one last peek at her phone to make sure that the paperwork all looked good. The approvals were all in, and Annie had even put in her snake selection. 

“Hey, Natalie!” Linda called. “Give me a high five!”

Natalie delivered a crisp high five. “Why am I high fiving you?” she asked.

“Because I’m awesome,” Linda said.

* * *

**From:** Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 2:34 PM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Thank you so much! I was so worried I wouldn’t be able to defend. Oh, should I still bring the snake I ordered, just in case?

Robin

**From:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 2:38 PM  
 **To:** Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hi, Robin- 

You’re welcome, I’m just glad we were able to get you sorted out in time.

No, don’t bring that snake- you only need to fight one for the defense, and it should be the approved snake.

Enjoy your turkey, good luck on the defense, and make sure you get some snake-fighting practice in!

Linda

\--------  
Dr. Linda Petroski  
Graduate Program Coordinator,  
Department of Psychoceramics,  
Barnett College

* * *

**From:** Ortega, Richard <ortega151@barnett.edu>  
 **Sent:** Wednesday, November 25, 2020 9:06 PM  
 **To:** Petroski, Linda <petroski5@barnett.edu>, Kahler, Robin M. <kahler22@barnett.edu>  
 **Cc:** Lemieux, Annie <lemieux9@barnett.edu>, Zhang, Wei <zhang3676@barnett.edu>, Edelstein, Doron <edelstein8@barnett.edu>, Carberry, Jennifer <carberry44@barnett.edu>  
 **Subject:** RE: Thesis defense issue

Hello, all-

I actually *am* providing the snake- my postdoc David is bringing it to the defense. Am I supposed to provide certification paperwork? Will this be a problem?

Richard

\--------  
Dr. Richard Ortega  
Associate Professor  
Department of Psychoceramics  
Barnett College


End file.
